


Irrational Thoughts

by Pigeonsplotinsecrecy



Series: Filling Out the Episodes [4]
Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Gen, M/M, TK has issues, but he starts to become self aware, s02e04 tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:07:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29348628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pigeonsplotinsecrecy/pseuds/Pigeonsplotinsecrecy
Summary: T.K. can't think clearly after he meets Carlos' parents and is introduced as Carlos' friends.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Series: Filling Out the Episodes [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2139738
Comments: 13
Kudos: 94





	Irrational Thoughts

When T.K. saw Carlos’ parents at the market, he’d been elated. He’d been looking forward to meeting them for weeks, and he wouldn’t admit how many times he’d fantasized about how it would go and what he would say. Meeting Carlos’ parents had become his go-to daydream. He wanted to impress them and prove that he was worthy of their son. He’d put his best foot forward when he first realized who they were, and then he was thrown three steps back as Carlos became shifty. When Carlos had called him a friend, T.K. had felt his daydreams plummet into his worst nightmares.

His head became fuzzy with the sudden insecurity that took over his body. He tried to play it cool, but between the shock and disappointment, he felt himself fumbling. When Carlos’ mom called him “TJ,” T.K. felt like gum on the bottom of Carlos’ shoe. His anxiety increased as he thought of all the reasons Carlos wouldn’t want to introduce him as his boyfriend. Carlos was out to his parents, so it wasn’t that, so he figured that it had to be something was wrong with him. T.K. was used to being the problem, and why should his relationship with Carlos be any different?

All the thoughts that he defaulted to started to loop in his head. _No one is ever going to love you as much as you love them. You don’t matter. You’re getting too attached too quickly just as you always do. Stop being such a fool and learn that you’re never going to matter that much to Carlos. You’re not worthy of him. He’s ashamed of you. He’ll leave you because you only cause trouble for other people. Not even your own dad could stay with you, why would Carlos? Your relationship isn’t as perfect as you thought it was. You’re going to ruin this one, just like you ruined all the others. You might as well end things before he finally realizes that he should end things with you. You’ll never be happy; don’t act like that’s in the cards for you. You don’t deserve Carlos. Why would you think you’re someone he loves?_ Carlos didn’t think he was valuable— that’s what T.K. determined from the whole situation, and with the cloud in his head, he couldn’t think of any other option. He couldn’t shake the negativity that had consumed him.

When Carlos and T.K. got in the car, they were both tense, and T.K. wanted to go back in time to those moments before everything had gone wrong. They’d gone from joking and feeling so at ease to being back to shaky ground. Things had been so good between them, so of course, the sweetness could only last so long before everything spiraled out of control. T.K. had long ago learned that that was the way of his life. He was a trouble magnet, and that meant he was going to fuck up everything and everyone that came in his path. 

He didn’t want to cry, so he became angry instead because it’s always been easier to let the rage take the space of all the other emotions. When Carlos tried to talk to him, T.K. stuck to one-word answers the whole trip home, and he could hear his therapist telling him that he wasn’t communicating healthily. He wasn’t communicating at all. But he didn’t care about what he _should_ do. He wanted to force Carlos to acknowledge that he was upset. He wanted Carlos to know exactly how it felt to be ignored because it sucked, and it made T.K. feel crazy. Most of all, he needed the time before he said something he couldn’t take back. He wanted to shout right there in the car, but he stayed silent, keeping Carlos in suspense and letting T.K.’s thoughts magnify. The greater the silence, the more upset T.K. became because none of the scenarios he had in his head meant anything good for their relationship. _It’s all ruined._ T.K. knew that he was too hotheaded to keep his rage in for long, but he didn’t want to have this fight in a car that he couldn’t escape, so he dug his nails into his palms and bit his tongue.

He was going to do what he always did. He was going to get mad and make a scene over what had happened. He was going to use sharp words and storm out. He was going to push Carlos away before Carlos had a chance to hurt T.K. And he did all that. He blew up. He threw a fit. He walked away. He left Carlos in that apartment without saying all the things that he needed to say to feel better. Leaving only made him feel more insecure. He stewed in his feelings. He’d wanted to stay angry because he didn’t want to feel scared. He’d been committed to ignoring Carlos’ texts for just a little longer.

But then he’d talked to his parents. They’d done what they always did. They ignored what he was saying and used his issues to sort through their own. He felt like he was being called TJ all over again. His parents gave him clarity but not in anything they said. It was what they didn’t say that made T.K.’s brain snap into focus from the blur of insecurity. His parents were repeating history, and T.K. didn’t want to repeat history. T.K. didn’t like the part of himself that got so caught up in what was. He didn’t want to assume that Carlos would cheat on him, ignore him, or abandon him. He wanted to listen to Carlos’ side of the story. He wanted to be present in his relationship. He wanted to get to know Carlos better, and he wanted to give Carlos the chance to know him. T.K. didn’t want to fight Carlos. He wanted to fight for his relationship because running away wasn’t going to make him feel safer; all it would do was reaffirm the negative thoughts that made him go into self-sabotage mode.


End file.
